How To Manage Your Negative Self-talk

By Jayaram V

In the epic Mahabharata war, Arjuna had the fortune of Lord Krishna serving him as his Charioteer, while his opponent Karna had the misfortune of Salya acting as the same. When Arjuna became confused and despondent about the option of fighting against his own kith and kin and expressed self-doubts, Lord Krishna reminded him of his duty as a warrior and instilled in him confidence to fight against his enemies. Throughout the war, He kept advising Arjuna what to do or not to do in a given situation. But Karna was not so lucky. When he was trying to fight ferociously against his opponents, his charioteer kept criticizing him constantly in the background for every thing he did or did not do in order to break his confidence and divert his attention. In the end Karna lost his chariot and his life. Salya succeeded in breaking his spirit and his will to fight and contributed in no small measure for his downfall. There is an important lesson hidden in this episode from the Mahabharata for all of us to learn. Everyone has a personal charioteer in his or her life in the form of self-talk. It makes you or breaks you depending upon how you deal with it and respond to it.

Your self-talk runs in the background all the time when you are awake, when you are doing something or relaxing all by yourself. It does not necessarily communicate with you verbally unless you are extra sensitive, but manifests itself as your judgmental thoughts, fears, doubts, opinions, feelings and values. It tells you what is right and wrong, what you can or cannot do, whether you did something perfectly or imperfectly or how you should feel about yourself or your actions in a given situation. Through a constant barrage of opinions and judgments, it subjects you to conflicting moods and emotions. Whether you are married or unmarried, alone or in the company of others, it is your silent partner. You may escape from others, but you cannot escape from it. It is the super critic of your internal  world. It has the power to take you to great heights or put in a state of fear and guilt. It is part of your survival mechanism, mostly on autopilot, which tries to help you when you don't want it.

However, not all self-talk is bad or unnecessary. Your self-talk is part of your self-preservation instinct. A great deal of your success depends upon the way you talk to yourself. Self-motivation, which is the best form of motivation, is a direct result of your self-talk. There is nothing like something inside your mind keep pushing you against odds. Your self-talk acts like your internal guide or internal compass. Great people and great leaders reach their heights using self-motivation and autosuggestion to mould their self-talk. They know how to talk themselves into doing great things or resolving their problems. Following are some suggestions to help you deal with your negative self-talk and condition yourself for success.

1. Examine your beliefs. Most of your opinions about yourself and your self-image are rooted in your childhood. To a great extent your self-talk was shaped by your parents and peers when you were too small to think anything on your own. In a majority of people their childhood beliefs and habitual thought patterns stay with them for the rest of their lives, unverified and unexamined, like a baggage left unopened. You can change your self-talk and your self-image by understanding the influence of your parents and peers in your life and by subjecting your values and beliefs to thorough scrutiny based on reason and your own experience. Examine your beliefs today. See whether they stand the test of truth.

2. Dispute your negative thoughts. Whenever you find yourself caught thinking about yourself negatively begin to question the basis of your thinking and the validity of your conclusions. Challenge your negative self-talk with counter questions as in case of the following examples. Give yourself the benefit of doubt and be ready to dispute your habitual thought patterns. Do not take anything about yourself for granted unless you have strong reasons to do so.

3. Learn from your criticism of others. Our world is more or less a reflection of ourselves. What we see in others is what we see in ourselves. What we do not like in ourselves usually manifests itself as our criticism of others. So whenever you start judging and criticizing other people negatively, remind yourself that you are actually criticizing yourself. Ask yourself what is common between you and them and which aspect of your personality is making you criticize others. Accept your criticism of others as a feedback about yourself and see whether there is anything you can do about it. Find out whether there is anything in them that you can truly appreciate. 

4. Know your strengths and weaknesses. Make an honest assessment of your true strengths and weaknesses. Know what you are good at and where you need improvement. Do not go by what others say or what you believe yourself to be. Go by the facts. Make a list of your strengths and weaknesses and validate them with facts from your own past and previous actions. Know where you stand in respect of each of them on a scale of one to ten. Once you have a clear picture of your true strengths and weaknesses, think how you can take advantage of your strengths and work upon your weaknesses.

5. Learn to love yourself. Everyone in this world deserves love and compassion and so do you. Everyone truly deserves appreciation because living and surviving against the odds in this complex world is in itself a great achievement. If you felt you were unloved in the past when you were a child, very likely you will bring that attitude into your life and your relationships, especially into your relationship with yourself. Your self-esteem is a direct result of your self-talk. If you want to feel good about yourself you have to accept yourself fully and unconditionally with all the stains and warts. You have to forgive yourself for whatever mistakes and wrongdoings you believe you might have done. You have to become more tolerant and lenient towards yourself and appreciate your talents and abilities and all the good things you have done in your life. As you learn to love yourself unconditionally, you become more tolerant towards your own imperfections and shortcomings and and feel good about yourself and your uniqueness.

6.Stay in the present. When you are in the present you tend to go by what is happening in the present rather than what happened in the past. You act according to the situation rather than your prejudices, beliefs and preconceived notions. Your go by the reality of the situation rather than your fears and anxieties and your negative self-talk. You will be more authentic, realistic, pragmatic and spontaneous in your responses and relationships.

7. Use affirmations. You can counter your negative self-talk and replace it with positive self-talk, using powerful affirmations. Identify the most dominant negative thought patterns of your mind and counter them with appropriate positve affirmations. To know how to create powerful affirmations and to use them effectively, you can read the article on affirmations available on Hinduwebsite.

Successful people know how to condition their minds and send powerful messages to their subconscious minds, through repeated and carefully orchestrated self-talk. They know how to use the power of belief and positive attitude to change their habitual thought patterns and manage their lives. They know how to live consciously and responsibly, making wise choices. They know how to dispute their negative self-talk using powerful suggestions and visualization. They know how to transform their thoughts and beliefs according to their dreams and goals and their vision. Most importantly, they know how to silence their inner critic by staying in the present and knowing who they are and what they can do. Know that your self-talk can be your strength or your weakness depending upon how you use it.